Dear Journal,
Today was an interesting day. I felt a lot more like myself than I have in a couple of weeks, but there were a couple of moments of self pity that crept in. I was super busy at work, but I felt like I didn't accomplish anything which is never a pleasant feeling. When I get stressed or frustrated with something I usually tend to get a little bit snappy if you catch me at the wrong moment. Well, I got a little bit snappy with Jen today, and I feel terrible about it. I was frustrated that I wasn't getting any patients to check out because I wasn't sitting at one of the computers that I could meet with patients. On Mondays and Fridays everyone is there (meaning nobody has a day off) and so there are never enough seats for everyone to sit at. Because I wasn't sitting at one of the computers that are used to check patient out, I never got to check any out- just a couple. I finally said something to Hannah and Meagan and they said that they would let me have the patients because they've had a ton, so I moved to the computer that Hannah was sitting at and right then I was called to help someone in one of the operatories. When I came back Jen was sitting there. I was trying to explain to her why I needed that seat back, but it came out in a way that sounded like I was mad at her and that I thought it was all her fault that I hadn't gotten any patients today when in reality I was just stating a fact and was more or less looking for sympathy from her.
Anyway, directly after that she asked to speak with Audrey in one of the consults with the door shut. I'm pretty sure she was talking to her about the situation. Then, Jen came in to talk to me in the other consult and shut the door and told me that she wanted to be honest with me and didn't want to get anyone else involved, but she said that she felt like I had attacked her and that I had hurt her feelings. I told her that I was sorry and that I wasn't mad at her- just simply frustrated about the situation. I explained to her that I rarely get mad at people and that it takes a LOT for me to be mad at someone. I do get frustrated though and sometimes I snap a little when that happens. She said that she understood and asked if it would be okay for her to just point out to me when I get that way next time it happens, and I told her that that would absolutely be fine. The thing is, I'm pretty sure that Audrey was probably listening in on the conversation that we were having because there are cameras with microphones in those consults. I just hate feeling like I'm in kindergarten!!! I don't know how much more I can take of this job. I have to be careful all the time not to offend anyone, and I have to always be moving and doing something and can rarely stop to talk to anyone without getting in trouble. There is zero trust in this office and is slowly driving me insane! I am praying ever so hard to know what more I can do to help the situation. I know that I can make a difference, but I just don't know how to. I need the help of the Lord so much in this one. I need hearts to be softened and a love, trust, and respect to develop between management and employees. That is something that I for sure cannot do alone. That is something that can only fully come about by and through the power of the atonement.
On my way home from work I was lost in my thoughts again, and I was trying to figure out again why it is that I am not happy. I don't think I've been truly happy since shortly after I got home from my mission. I've have had several moments of happiness, but they have felt more like distractions from reality than true happiness. I want to discover what it is that is holding me back and pulling me down. That is when my pity party started going. I realized that I don't have a clue why anyone would want to be friends with me. I don't even think that I would want to be friends with myself, so why should anyone else. I have such an inner desire to do things for others, but for some reason I've been holding back on serving others- because I'm afraid of smothering them I suppose. I realized that it has been literally years since I've had anyone just tell me what they love about me or why they like me. I haven't the slightest idea why anyone even does remotely like me. I don't know my good qualities. All I can see in myself are my flaws and imperfections. I have so many wonderful desires, and I can picture the person that I want to be and desire to be and have even thought that I was at one time, but I don't know who I am at all anymore. The person that I thought I was is not the person anymore. I know that's confusing, but that's the way that I feel- confused. I realized that I am surrounded by so many friends and family that love me and would do anything in the world for me, but they don't make or have the time to.
I realized a couple of months ago that I don't have a clue what others think of me. One night Dad and I had a little 2 minute argument over something stupid, but it really upset Dad. Five minutes afterwards, Mom came to get me from downstairs and said that Dad wanted to talk to me. I knew that I was in no state to be talking things over because I was too upset over it. She said he wanted to talk to me anyway. I went upstairs and told Dad that I wasn't ready to talk about it, but he said that he wanted to anyway. I remained silent as he brought up point after point in an effort to get me to talk about things, or argue about things. I couldn't say anything because I knew that the Spirit was not directing my thoughts at the moment. He left to his room and then came back several times. One time he came out and said something that really hurt me and struck me deep. He said that I came off as self righteous because he felt like I thought I was better than everyone because I chose not to watch some of the movies that they do and such. I couldn't believe that I was hearing that from him. It is one thing to hear it from someone else, but from my dad? He was the one in all the world that I thought understood me and felt the same way as I did. He was the one that I looked up to when it came to having and following high standards. And yet, I found out in one moment- one sentence- that not even he understood me. He thought I was a self righteous snob.
I have forgiven him for that, because I know that he didn't fully mean what he said, but the implications of that comment have stung me deeply. I wonder so often if there is a single person out there that understands me in the least bit. I feel so helpless and hopeless so often and feel as if there isn't a single person in this world that I can turn to that understands. I am so incredibly grateful for my Savior though. I know that even though there isn't anyone here tangibly, there is Someone there spiritually that understands me completely and knows exactly how to help and comfort me. I know that everything will eventually turn out right and I will eventually find someone that understands me and that is compatible with me, but it's so hard to be patient sometimes! I am trying to everything I possibly can to stay "anxiously engaged in a good cause", but it seems to just be wearing on me and it's so hard to keep going forward every day. I pray so fervently that I will be able to be an instrument in the Lord's hands and that I will be able to fulfill my mission here. Satan is working hard. He is definitely trying to keep me from doing something important. He wouldn't be trying so hard if I wasn't of great worth. This I know and am trying to believe all the time. I do know that my Savior lives and loves me and that He is watching over me. He is with me every step of the way, so I know that all will be well.
Love,
Chels
